I am usually relatively open with the fact that I’ve dealt with a great deal of trauma but I never go beyond that. The harsh reality of when you form a trauma bond with someone and all the ugly feelings you’re left with even when they are out of your life. During this time of my life, I did amazing things…traveled the worlds and supposedly had the best times. However, I can’t ever bring myself to properly relive those days because I was in the chokehold of the perpetrator’s power. Every moment I was in these beautiful places around the world, my happiness depended on this other persons happiness and my entire worth was based on them. Fast forward to when I finally decide to leave this bond. Every single day since I still live with those few years influencing the person I am today. My skewed sense of worth, the lack of sense of identity, the self hatred, the consistently feeling lost in the world and the fucked up mental health. Every time I feel like I get better, something happens and I break all over again. This trauma bond invaded every single part of my being and now I struggle with the concept of boundaries because during this time, every boundary I tried placing was ignored. My body, my emotions, everything didn’t belong to me at the time and now that I have them back, my way of handling them does not necessarily cater to my safety or health. Before this situation in my life I would say I was quite a damaged person but in comparison to the person I am today it really isn’t comparable because waking up each day feels like an effort in trying to pick up these pieces that have been broken time and time again for years. For years I was gaslighted, manipulated and taken advantage of and even now I still feel like it was my fault. I still feel ashamed whenever I get sad or angry and ashamed for feeling the way I felt because now the role of the gaslighter has turned into myself. I have no value for my physical body because in a time I tried to protect it and say no, it was ignored. I have displayed moments of nudity in front a lot of people that I don’t necessarily know and at the time it didn’t dawn on me how completely messed up it was. Even now I can’t entirely bring myself to think back to those times because it makes me feel sick. My body that was given to me as a gift was completely diminished and now my brain can’t comprehend its value and I’m not too sure if it ever will. How can I when its been shown to so many people and invaded. I was called crazy, psychotic and obsessive during this time when it came to the perpetrator but no one realised how entire existence was being held hostage in the hands of another. I never felt safe, validated or humanised during this time. It was 4 years of my life and I still trying to find myself attempting to validate why I was so stupid to have stayed in such a horrible situation but it was simply because it was addictive. Because in time I wasn’t good enough, I did something that pleased the perpetrator and for a split second I was doing good and in those moments of validation, it was a high I kept chasing no matter how damaging the bad was. I’m not too sure why I wrote this but I guess its an attempt to bring more clarity to such an incomprehensible time. Honestly this whole situation has broken me in ways I can’t even explain. I have now developed a tendency for self destruction and frankly thinking about the things I went through makes me want to die. The capacity the human species has for hurt and pain is incredibly large but sometimes I think surely I can’t take anymore. I am terrified of making new connections in my life no matter how painstakingly lonely I feel because the risk of ever being controlled by another person terrifies me. I struggle with intimacy and emotions and my sense of self is blurry at best. I don’t know I guess I wrote this because I’m tired of just going “yeh i’ve been through something traumatic lol” without actually depicting just how painful and debilitating it really was because its something I live with everyday and something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life.
sadness to sunshines 