A lot of things happened recently and my mental capacity can not physically take this and I keep shutting down.

Everything that’s happened has sent me into psychological trauma mode and whilst this may sound entirely too dramatic, I have a fragile mentality that breaks down when something severe happens in my life. It happened last year through my inability to cope with stress and its happening again now.

Throughout today, I’ve been finding myself shifting through two states: anger and normality.

When I’m angry, I hate everyone around me, I hate everything and I hate myself. I also get increasingly sad and depressed. I cant stop the self depreciating comments that are too real to sound funny and I push everyone away.

When I’m back to my normal self, I focus on work and is fine. However, my other state is so easily triggered that one comment can set off the tears.

It all feels so difficult. Living. Being happy. Sometimes I have the thought that how many more of these meltdowns will occur in my lifetime.

This was the last thing I needed in my life yet I got it. It’s so entirely strange how one week you’re happy. You’re surrounded by friends and your biggest problem was insignificant compared to now. My best friend tells me not to blame myself but I do. I blame myself for everything and no matter how much someone might hate me out there, they will never beat the level of self loathing I have that I so desperately try to get rid of. One day I’m writing positive, empowering quotes and the next day, I’m here crying in my room writing the most depressing blog post.

I feel like no one cares. I feel so alone. I’m going to force myself to channel all my energy into work and try to push past this. I hate how messed up I am.

You know that person who makes that ‘joke’ about how their life is crap and it sounds so real that people feel awkward and don’t know what to say? Yep thats me. I’m that person who rains on everyone else’s parade. I don’t even have the strength to fake happiness anymore.

I guess this is what happens when you make stupid decisions. Karma comes back to you and mine came in the form of a breakdown.

I just need to be picked up. If I was a table, I would only have two legs. My mum and my best friend. They’re what’s supporting me. I will have to build the other two legs from my own strength and get through this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I know I’ll grow to be a better person from this. I’m just on a low but I’ll keep holding on…

Nicole x

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