A little exhausted.

A lot of stuff happened to me this past week and with a lot of stuff comes with a lot of emotions.

I am exhausted and drained from life. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to be around people. I just want to sleep for a long time

I went to talk the nurse at the medical centre and when I told her I felt like my mental state is worrying because I have been taking my meds regularly, she told me something that inspired me massively. She told me I need to start normalizing my emotions. Not everything is related to my depression. She said anyone who has been through the stuff I’ve been through the past week would make anyone feel the way I do now.

I am going to miss 2 days of school because I desperately need to recharge and just be away from the noise of it all. I’m excited. I’m going to have a 2 day charge and hopefully I’ll come back feeling more myself.

I hate how I feel so alone when I’m not.

I hate how I can’t even pretend to smile because that takes effort.

but most of all, I hate how I’m still lost in myself. I hate how I have no self worth or self respect.

I hate how I make bad decisions as a result of that

I hate how much self loathing I harbor.

I hate how I make self depreciating comments in attempt to lighten what I actually feel.

I hate a lot about myself yet if you ask me what I liked about myself, I would probably answer with; “my hair that I dyed recently” or “my face when its caked with makeup”

I don’t know, even talking about my feelings is tiring me. I’ve hit rock bottom and I have 2 days to climb back up….

Lets see if I succeed.

Nicole xx

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