It’s 5am and I can’t sleep (maybe napping for 3 hours during the day was not the best idea).
I’ve been listening to a song called “Fake Happy’ by Paramore a lot recently and I love it because I relate to the lyrics so much.
Oh please don’t ask me how I’ve been, don’t make me play pretend
This is a quote in the song that I completely relate to. People at my school tend to go “you alright?” as a form of greeting. While they ask you this, they don’t entirely mean ‘tell me your life story’. They expect a ‘Yeah I’m good’. While I love this because even if people don’t care, they took the time to ask which is something people in my old school completely failed to do. I would be lucky to even get a ‘Hello’ back then. However, when I’m going through a depressive episode or is feeling particularly down, the last thing I want is people asking me if I’m alright when in reality I am not. I don’t want to burden people so I usually just ‘play pretend’ and say I’m good.
One thing I’m horrible at is keeping my emotions bottled up. Some people let their emotions fester in them until they explode. While I do this, my emotions build up in the time frame or a day or two instead of a few weeks, months or even years like some people do. I end up crying in the most unconventional places, drawing attention to myself and seeking solace in the hands of someone I would normally never go to. This is dangerous for me because the more I open up about myself, the more open I am to people using my weaknesses against me to hurt me. My blog is personal and I bear my heart and soul into it and that is dangerous for me. I still do it anyway. I do it because I need to let my emotions out. I need to tell someone what I’m thinking and while I filter some of the really personal things, majority of this blog is literally my thoughts. I guess I’ll just have to trust people to be decent enough not to do so.
I remember back in my old school, I played pretend everyday. I would be fake happy. Just like the the song. Except I sucked at it. I could smile at those people with tears in my eyes and tell them I’m happy and they would believe it. For a long time, I estranged myself from people there. That’s why I have like one really close friend at home and many acquaintances. It’s also the reason why I’m so horribly lonely whenever I’m back home. I used to eat lunch in the guidance councilor’s office and watch whatever TV show I was watching at the time…but if it was close, I would turn to the comforts of the school toilet. At the time anything was better than being around people. I would feel lonely but I wouldn’t talk to people. I wanted someone to notice that I was struggling with things but I also wanted them to leave me alone. My life was full of contradictions and paradoxes. Still. At the end of the day, I don’t remember many people asking me if I was okay. I don’t think they particularly cared and those who did, I probably pushed away. That time in my life is particularly blurry and many of my recollections of the time is completely through the eyes of a depressed, hate filled 13 year old who never noticed the good things. While there were probably people there for me or were concerned for it, I was going through so much I simply didn’t notice.
Once again the point of this post was lost and I rambled on again but oh well. It’s now 2018 (Happy New Year by the way!) and I guess I was feeling a little nostalgic.