I have a crisis about Christmas and I’m also slightly lonely

So it’s almost Christmas and I haven’t written a blogpost in ages. I don’t generally write a lot when I’m at school because my mind is so busy that I don’t have time to slow down and think. Which is why I’m glad I can go hone because I generally have so much free time that I don’t really know what to do with myself.

It’s currently 2am, my room is dimly lit and I’m listening to Christmas music. My idea of Christmas typically consists of a large tree, warm sweaters, a fireplace and some sort of warm beverage. This is because its the polar opposite of what my Christmas really consists of. It consists of a relatively normal day with a lovely family dinner somewhere. This year we’re eating at The Ritz-Carlton. Very homely… We don’t own a fireplace nor do we have space for a large tree. My idea of Christmas is always 10x lovelier than the Christmas I truly have. I mean not that having dinner at a lovely hotel isn’t nice but its not homely either.

Coming back home I realize our apartment is not very cosy. The coziest place is my room. Our living room is white and fills me with cold. Even the radiator does nothing to help that chilling sensation that runs through me whenever I actually remove myself from my bed. I guess I just wish our house had a few more rugs and warm colors instead of the cold and callous feeling that I get during winter. It’s lonely.

Moving on to Christmas, watching all these movies and listening to all these Christmas music, theres always something about finding love during this time. You know, like in Love Actually? Well let me tell you something. I will be spending my Christmas in my PJs, wishing all my friends a Merry Christmas on social media, sitting in my room half the day on my phone, looking at everyone else’s amazing Christmases and then ending the night at a Christmas buffet and indulging myself with the free fill champagne that comes with our buffet. Basically, it will be depressing and not that festive. I need a christmas miracle which by the way, I don’t think actually exists because 2 Christmases ago, I spent it crying for no reason. I needed a miracle then, I need a miracle now and I ain’t getting one either way.

This post was supposed to be positive but I gradually went into ‘break down mode’ and how much my idea of Christmas is better than my reality. The only good thing is probably gonna be the presents.

On another note, romcoms are so cute but they also make me so upset after watching them because it leaves me feeling lonely. I’ve been quite lonely since coming home. I like being around people and talking to people. Except I made the mistake of cutting off a lot of people when I moved schools and now I don’t have many people to talk to that are in the same side of the world as me.

It’s weird when I would see people every day to only seeing my family. I mean not that I don’t love my family, I love them a lot but also I need to hang around people my age. I spend more time alone than with anybody else and this is going to be me until January…WOOOOO!

I’ve been working on reconciling with old friends so that I have more people to look forward to seeing whenever I come home.

this was a weird post I apologize,

Nicole x

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