I am full of flaws. One of my biggest flaws is that I have incredibly low self esteem. I can spend days listing reasons why I hate myself and cover every aspect that makes me the very person I am right now and criticize it. However, if you ask me to give you list of why I like myself, it would be rather short and would take twice the time it takes me to think of reason why I don’t like myself.
Its been 4 weeks since I’ve been back at school and I have had around 5 breakdowns already. 3 of which were in front of my peers and all of which were in front of another human. I hate how emotional and sensitive I am. I think being sensitive is a good thing but I hate how I cry in front of people. It makes me look so vulnerable and so pathetic. Once is fine but doing it as much as I do now is just sad.
I hate the way I look. My eyes are too small, My face structure is not great and I am overall an unattractive person. My body is disgusting. I hate it. I don’t ever imagine myself content with my body. I am overweight and I hate it. I hate how when I’m stressed, I eat and I neglect going to the gym (I’ve been putting it off because I’ve been ill but let’s be honest, it’s just an excuse). It’s one thing to be physically unattractive but my equally unattractive personality doesn’t help it. I push people away. I do things to push them away. My defense mechanism is to insult people and unfortunately for me, I am very sensitive to feeling attacked. I am unpleasant to be around and despite knowing deep down I can be nice, it seems to be in my nature to try and repulse everyone I meet. These are probably a few reasons that I make me genuinely believe I have only two paths to go down with my life. One being a single dog lady because I prefer them over cats at the age of 40 or be a spinster. I wish I was being funny but as the days move on, the more and more I believe this ‘joke’.
I play the drums and guitar for 2/3 years but I would never classify myself as a drummer or guitarist. This is because I don’t think I play good enough to deserve that title. I mean look at all these amazing guitarists and drummer out there that can do so much on their respective instruments while I can only do so little.
I have so many issues with myself and I’ve only listed a few. I just wish I had higher self esteem because I deserve it. I think everyone deserves to be kind to themselves yet I am incapable of doing that. I am constantly giving myself so much grief and guilt that I’m tired of it. I am tired of not being content. I am tired of having constant breakdowns and I’m tired of viewing myself so negatively. I literally avoided looking at the mirror when I went to have a shower today because I can’t stand the look of myself.
I apologize for this really negative post but I needed this purge of emotions. I needed to let this out because its been building up inside me.