Who am I?

Whenever I travel from the UK to HK or vice versa, I feel like during those agonizing 13 hours on the plane changes my personality. I feel as if I’m going through a personality warp where I suddenly become a different person.

In Hong Kong, I’m an introvert. I can go 2 weeks without leaving the house, reading book after book while sipping tea in the confinements of my well air conditioned room. I don’t wear makeup unless I leave the house so I stay bare faced most of my time. But I also find that my self esteem decreases. My thoughts are my own and I spend so much time cooped up in them that they start to spiral into something negative. I don’t have anyone reminding me that I am fine the way I am. The only person encouraging me to stay positive myself and my medication. I go to the gym everyday until one day I look at myself in the mirror and see little to no improvements after 2 months of solid exercise and a relatively healthy diet. I get frustrated but I go anyway. I can’t back out now. I read book after book and if in the rare occasion I do leave the house and is in the middle of a book, I stay distant the whole night, heart and soul still in the universe that author helped me craft in my imagination through their words. I go on twitter, the place that reminds me of all the social injustice the world has and gets frightened at all the uncertainty the world holds. I remind myself how desperately I want to go and fight because there’s nothing I hate more than inequality (I half suspect its because my star sign is Libra being a reason why). I think of the future and I cower away as it is daunting and scary. I shy away from all sort of work related to school and university applications because I get scared. That’s me. Nicole. The introvert who enjoys nothing more than being in her own blissful solitary life.

Suddenly I’m in the UK, I am chatty, I enjoy socializing with humans and I love spending my time with people. I am an extrovert. I thrive on achieving well academically and I love life. I barely spend 15 minutes alone a day and I constantly seek company from people. I rarely read unless its in relation to one of my school subjects and I forget who I am. I forget the person who clings onto her time alone. I forget the person who loves reading while drinking tea and listening to soothing music. I forget the girl who aspires to inspire people with her thoughts and experiences. I suddenly enjoy going to parties and I like alcohol. I’m becoming someone I’m not. I realize I forget who I am. At least thats what I thought. I became confident. I became someone who enjoyed public speaking and making new friends.

A year later I realize that this two people I am change so radically that I forget one of the other so completely that I end up losing who I truly am. Who I am is someone who enjoys making new friends but ultimately enjoys having at least a little time for herself to enjoy a good book. I am someone who stands up for what she believes in. I am someone is determined and someone who wants to do well for a good future. I am not the girl who cowers away from the prospects of a future and I am not the girl who seeks company every hour of every day either. I am a mixture of both people I am in those different locations. Now I just need to remind myself to stay true to both of those people and pick out the best qualities in each of those Nicole’s to form one true Nicole who is the same wherever she goes.

Till next time,

Nicole x

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